Long Hard Road Home...

It's been a while since I've been on here. Mainly because I've been very busy with doctor appointments and too much paperwork, but also because my last post has still held somewhat true. Either way, it's been a long hard road home. Many people, upon hearing that your in the military, can't wait to get their opinions about 'the war' out in the open, while others just say thank you. But I doubt that I've met anyone, who isn't an immediate family member to a military person, that knows that coming home is probably the hardest part of the entire deployment.

The training us soldiers go through to prepare for war and conflict is intense and constant. Once you join the military, your preparation for war never ceases. Rain, snow, sand, or mud, training goes on. What kind of training do we receive for reintegrating back into society? Very little in comparison. We are told to give ourselves time. Watch out for this, that, or the other, because they could be symptoms of bigger problems. Give yourself time. We are told that your not the only one going through what you'll go through. Take it slow. We're given countless pieces of paper filled with information and phone numbers we should call; each one for something different. We sit through power point, after power point telling us what it is going to be like when we get back into life. We leave this 'training' feeling like we know how we are going to respond. Either thinking 'I don't have to worry about that.', or 'Now I know what to look for'.

But the simple truth of the matter is this: NOBODY has ever gone through exactly what you've gone through. And therefore, could never react to it the same way as you. Everyone is different. How we were raised, our experiences in life prior to deployment, our personalities, religious preferences, struggles, skills... etc. All of these things, and more, contribute to an individuals experience during a deployment, and thus changes the individual reaction upon returning home. Almost everything your told at the power point presentations goes out the window the second you get mad on the road, or get frustrated at your spouse/ family/ friends, or can't find the power to get up out of bed by noon, or hold your job, or sit down and take a break from working, or when you get uncomfortable in situations you were comfortable in before you left, or when the decision about what to eat, or even when to eat, is overbearing and stressful, or,... the list goes on.

Everything has changed. Not just this, or that, but everything. EVERYTHING. Conversations with friends that were fun are now pointless. Driving down the road is no longer frivolous and monotonous, but arduous and uncertain. A comment from your spouse was just a comment that you responded to, but now it stirs up irritation and frustration that you either struggle to hold at bay, or lash out unexpectedly and uncontrollably. Loud neighbors aren't just loud, they are purposefully disrespectful. Everything has changed about who I am, how I live, and how I perceive the actions of those around me. The questions that haunt us now are these: How do I fix this? Why am I not able to do what I could before? Why aren't things back to normal? Who am I!?

The fact of the matter is; I'm different. I'm not the same as when I left. Struggles of old may no longer be struggles. While struggles of new may be struggles for years and years down the road.

Many people think that deployment is hard. And at time, it is. But comparatively speaking deployment was easy. It's the road home that is hard... and long.